A young something-or-other from an oppressive Commonwealth state in Uncle Sam's pissing pot, Josh 'Kamikaze' Buckland is the kind of up-and-coming young talent that compels wayward adolescent girls to wrench pin-ups from their Tiger Beat magazines and fawn lustily over them until they plummet headlong into moral decadence. |
From his humble beginnings euthanizing surplus chinchillas for PetSmart, to his self-made Roller Derby empire, Buckland's climb to internationally acclaimed deity has been both abysmal and prolific. Home-wrecker, Blacksmith, Freelance Lobotomist, Rapscallion, Hobo, and Glam Rocker are but a few of the impressive titles to appear on his resumé.
Clawing and wailing, Buckland was spat out into this hellishly surreal realm on 24 June, Nineteen-Hundred and Eighty-Four, weighing Thirty-five pounds and Seventeen ounces. After blinding a midwife and permanently crippling two nurses, he bravely fled the sanitarium and sought refuge at the local butcher's, where he was clothed, fed, and coached in the fine art of bovine abortion. In his Fifteenth year, he was discovered performing live demonstrations in the local village square. Internationally renowned veterinary instructionist Dr. Quincy S. P. Calicranstonson III recognized immediately the awesome internal glow alight within Buckland's superfluous, supple body, and took him on as his ward and apprentice.
Within Twelve short years, this cataclysmically comely prodigy had won the hearts and stolen the souls of literally trillions the world over. The 1997 Virgin Suicide Pandemic has often been attributed to the spike in Buckland's popularity during this period.
This October marks the One-Hundred and Fifty-Second anniversary of the pagan ceremonial rites that summoned Josh 'Kamikaze' Buckland out of abhorrent oblivion and into the arms of his adoring fans some One-Hundred and Twenty-Five years later. In honor of this momentous occasion, Buckland will enter his awe-inspiring larval stage LIVE, in front of the entire Earth's population. The event will be simulcast in Four different languages, and those not fluent will be volunteered as live sacrifices. This envied multitude will be slowly dissolved in Bucklandfly's digestive juices for Eleven months, after which He will reemerge as the Reborn Demiurge and Devourer of the Cosmos.
Vote Bucklandfly, 2016.